I finally got a part-time job after searching for a few weeks. I start in a couple of days.
I can’t say that I’m excited as I hoped to have more time to work on my own business here at home. But we need more money coming in and we have projects that require a little extra money.
But I’m going to keep working on my business as much as I can while working and keep trying to build it to where I want it.
This isn’t what I wanted. I was hoping for more time but plans change, I know that.
I hoped to be further along than I am, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing something wrong. What could I have done better? What can I do better?
My small home business was supposed to help support whatever needs came up, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m even good enough to do it. How do I get people beyond my friends and family to see my work? I made the websites, I posted on social media, I told people about it.
Yet, most of my family and friends haven’t even looked at my website or listened to a podcast that I’ve made. Someone might ask me a question and I will tell them it’s all on my website or in a blog I’ve written.
“Oh, I usually don’t click on the links.”
It’s all right there. Here. It’s all right here on the website. Click on the links and share them. You don’t have to buy anything, just share the damn link!
But, as time went on, I realized that it was me. I’m not focused enough on the tasks to get them done and marketed consistently enough that would help boost my views and/or ratings.
For a few weeks, I didn’t even have internet or hotspot to get online to post anything, which is another big hamper in my future plans for Shawnee Rising Studios. My internet sucks!
But I’m just whining now.
I know I need the job in order to start saving money for plans and projects needed to move forward. I need a workshop in order to move my workspace out of my bedroom. I need room to breathe and spread out.
I don’t have that now and it’s needed badly!
But I’m getting by and I know things are going to start changing back to normal where I can work on my home business full-time.
I just really, really don’t want to get a job!
I’ve had something on my mind the last few days and I wanted to share it. Something that kind of opened my eyes to what I’m feeling when staring at a blank canvas or page.
When it comes to artist’s block or writer’s block, especially when it comes to starting a new project, apprehension is a feeling that I believe most people mistake for their block. At least it is for me.
I think there’s always a small fear when starting a project. You’re not sure if it will come out how you want it or you don’t know if it will end up being a complete waste of time. For me, I always feel like I’m not good enough to create what’s in my head, so I always feel like it’s going to be crappy and be a complete waste of my time.
Challenging myself puts me at a standstill and I tell myself that it’s just artist’s block or writer’s block, depending on what I’m doing. But my apprehension isn’t allowing me to focus and see the bigger picture in my mind.
I forget sometimes that creating art, especially painting, that nothing is certain. You have an image in your mind, but it’s the beauty of going through the different steps of painting, seeing something in it, and then following it somewhere else, where you might see something totally different and follow that.
But no matter which direction you take, the feeling, the heart, of what you were wanting is always there. I know other artists may not see it this way or even feel this way, but I do, and I think it’s an amazing journey through a painting and your own psyche during its creation. Your mind travels around and sees different things you hadn’t even imagined putting into the artwork.
This is why I try very hard not to tell anyone, even myself, what I will be painting unless I know for sure what I’m going to paint. But if there’s something I’m wanting to create, and I’m not exactly sure the path I’m going to take, then I keep it to myself and try to keep my mind open and focused on the feeling or message that I’m wanting to purvey through the piece.
It’s almost, if not exactly, like outlining and pantsing for writers.
You have people that will outline their entire story or novel, mapping out their entire path before they even think about leaping into writing the story.
There are people who paint the same way. They will sketch out their entire painting, whether on a piece of paper or on a canvas before they even lay out their brushes.
Then you have pantsers, people who write by the seat of their pants. No outline. No path. Just an idea of what they want. They let the story unfold as they’re writing it. Which is how I write my stories most of the time.
But this is also how I paint. I put brush to canvas and let the painting unfold in front of me as I paint it. If I see something that I don’t like, I paint over it and redo it.
Pantsing is such a strange thing. You write or paint as if someone else is transcribing it to you at that moment. You are just another tool along with the pen or brush as someone or something writes or paints through you.
I just wish they were a better painter!
Many blessings and have a safe and happy holiday season!
Niyâwe! Thank you!