I Failed!

Yep! That’s right. I’m a failure…

There are so many things I wanted to complete by the end of 2018 and I didn’t finish any of them!

Resolutions for 2018:

• Lose weight
  • This has been a complete failure every year. I make it a habit to tell myself that I’m going to lose weight by the end of the year and it never works out.

• Complete Indian Boy: Protector of Shawnee City
  • I’ve started a book called Indian Boy: Protector of Shawnee City. It’s about a little Shawnee Boy who acquires superpowers from a magic feather, which was given to him by an old Shawnee man. He calls himself Indian Boy, and he flies around saving the day.
  • It’s a 91-page chapter book with art on almost all pages. I’ve drawn out the rough drawings and placed the characters where I want. All I have left is to trace the final artwork onto my watercolor paper, watercolor it with greyscale watercolor, scan it into my computer, clean it up a bit, transfer the art to the Word doc, size and line everything up correctly, make a PDF, and then upload it to Lulu.com. BOOM! Book done.
  • I haven’t done that yet…

• Begin working on book 2 of Indian Boy
  • I have part of the story done already. I completed most of that at the same time I did book 1. I haven’t started on any of the artwork.

• Ease up on spending money on art supplies
  • A big problem I have, and still have, is that I keep buying crap. It’s absolutely terrible, but without making any money on any of my art, it’s pretty bad. It’s literally money out and nothing coming in. So, I’ve made it a priority to stop buying art supplies until I can get some kind of money coming in from my art.
  • I’ve also made it a priority that most of my artwork be done on the computer instead of on canvas and paper to try and save some money. But it’s hard. I love painting and drawing on physical mediums.

You see? Complete failure.

2018 was a pretty rough year. Not just for me, but for my family and also for friends. Seems like we lost a lot of family and friends in 2018. My stepfather being one of those that we lost.

It was tough. It still is. We’re coming up on the one year anniversary of his passing and it still hurts like we lost him yesterday.

People have lost mothers. People have lost friends. 2018 was a crazy sad year.

So, that brings me to 2019.

No resolutions. I’m going to work on my books. I’m going to work on my art. I’m going to work on my health. I’m going to work on a 2019 budget. And my wife and I are going to look for a new home.

If I’m being honest with myself, I love art and have always loved art; Painting, drawing, writing, all of it…but I think about just letting go sometimes. I have this weird thing in my head, that creating things is all I want to do with my life. That’s how I want to live and how I want to make a living. But, I’m 34 years old and nothing has ever come from me creating things. I mean, yeah, I’ve sold a couple children’s books, which I’m extremely proud of, but not enough to make it my job. I have online shops where I sell artwork, but I’ve only ever had one person buy anything in all the time I’ve had them.

I can’t grasp what I’m doing wrong. Maybe I just suck.

I really don’t know.

I know that I’ll never stop drawing or painting. I can’t. I don’t even know if I know how. It’s hard to explain how my mind works. No matter what I’m doing, my mind is thinking about the next story to write, the next picture to draw or paint, or a poem I’ve been writing in my head. It’s non-stop. It’s all I want to do.

I’m going to give it to the end of the year. If by 2020, I can’t grasp what I’m doing wrong I think I’m going to call it quits with the whole art thing. I’ll never have the money to join an art or creative writing school, so school is out.

Even writing blogs, I don’t feel as if I’m good enough. A toddler can write better than I can.

Ok. I’m just going on a pity party now. LOL!

But this is what goes through my head every single day; how do I live my life, my way, before I die? How do I give my family everything they need or want?

How can I be free?

Thanks for reading. I wish the best for you in 2019.

Neyiwa,

Michael Daugherty
Shawnee Rising Studios

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